Goodbye, Friends

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I’m sorry to say that I’m closing down this blog. Due to some unexpected circumstances, I’ve needed to look at and re-prioritize some of my commitments. If I try to keep this blog going, I’m afraid I won’t be able to give the posts the time and attention you all deserve.

Readers and visitors, thank you so much for your interest in this blog. This has meant a lot to me!

It’s been an enjoyable learning experience to think and write about personal growth, mindfulness, relationships and work. If you’ve found the thoughts here to be helpful and fun to read, then I’ve met my goals.

When things settle down in my life, I may start a new blog having to do with writing. If you’d be interested in that, please go to the “Contact” page and leave me a confidential message with your e-mail or other contact information.

My best to all of you.

Have a great summer, everyone.

Do You Want to Grow? Look to Your Work Relationships

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All the hours we spend around people at our workplaces don’t just bring us our income. These hours also provide the opportunity to develop more maturity, kindness, life skills and self-esteem.

How? Our workplace relationships.

You may love your co-workers, clients and customers, supervisors, the children you teach. Or perhaps you wish they’d just go away. Either way, your interactions with these people can help you become more of the person you want to be.

Create More Fun and Enjoyment for Everybody

Doing small acts of kindness make you feel good. They brighten the day for the people around you. Raising others’ self-esteem through positive words and thoughtful acts makes for a happier work environment for everyone.

When I worked at a community mental health center, one of the nurses went on a trip to Australia. She brought home a little stuffed koala bear for each staff member — around 40 people.

I wouldn’t have expected her to haul home all these little bears. But she no doubt got a kick out of doing it.

We hadn’t really known each other before her trip, but I felt closer to her after her generous act.

What are some kindnesses we can share at work?

Organize potlucks
Bring cupcakes on our birthdays, just like we used to do in school
Pay sincere compliments on a regular basis
Offer rides to people who are getting their cars repaired
Give holiday cards and birthday cards

What If Your Co-workers Aren’t So Nice?

Wouldn’t it be great if all the people we interacted with at work were friendly, easy-going, responsible? No crazies?

The good news is that being around the most difficult people gives us the greatest opportunities for growth.

Let’s look at some general things we can do in our relationships with these folks.

The Loving-Kindness Meditation

In a previous post we talked about a meditation that can help us build a sense of love and kindness towards ourselves and others. When we’re dealing with difficult people, working with this meditation helps us change our thinking and see this person with compassionate eyes.

Here’s the Loving-Kindness Meditation

May (the person’s name) be filled with loving-kindness

May (he/she) be well in body and mind

May (he/she) be free from anger and anxiety

May (he/she) be peaceful and at ease

Happy people don’t create problems for others. It’s a safe bet that this trying person struggles with sadness, low self-confidence, anxiety, shame or other negative feelings. They probably experience little good will from others.

What might happen if you started to see this person as unhappy instead of as a jerk? How might your relationship change once they began to feel your empathy?

Working With an Aggressive Co-worker or Client

With this sort of person, you might first try finding out what’s upsetting them, validating their feelings, and offering to help them find solutions.

You may be thinking, “Why is it my job to make this person happy? Their anger is their own problem. Why should I have to take their abuse?”

Think of it this way: you are suffering because of their behavior. You want to reduce your unhappiness when you’re around them. It’s a question of doing what works.

When you show understanding to a hostile person, it may well soften them up a bit. You might start to see the vulnerable side of them. You’ll understand how they are trying to protect themselves from the rejection and and blame they expect to receive.

Dealing With an Abusive Supervisor

With a supervisor with anger problems, you may have to set firm boundaries. If you hate conflict or feel that you need to hold onto your job at any cost, what are your options?

Find within yourself the self-respect that says you’ll no longer tolerate this.

Once you make this decision, you’ll change your own behavior. You’ll send out non-verbal signals that people need to show you respect.

Often, your supervisor will begin treating you differently in return. They pick up on your new attitude and just back off.

However, you may practice kindness towards them or act more assertively with them and see no softening on their part.

The next step may be to tell your supervisor you’ll no longer accept their behavior.

This is a hard one.

Write down what you want and need to say to them. Find your own words to tell them they can’t treat you this way. Practice the conversation with a friend or relative, saying your words firmly, confidently, and calmly.

If nothing changes or things get worse, it’s now time to begin looking for another job.

When someone has authority over you and doesn’t modify abusive behavior, you can’t continue putting up with it. For your emotional and physical health, you must not stay in this environment.

Even if it’s going to be very difficult to find another job, even if you have to take a job that pays less, you can’t afford someone’s cruelty. You will find another job. Don’t let your self-esteem crumble to bits.

Summing It All Up

How do you need to grow? Do you want to develop greater kindness and compassion towards others? Do you want to see that you can effectively make your workplace more fun? Perhaps you need to overcome your fear of standing up to people.

Our workplaces are ideal for growing ourselves. Use your power to build up your people skills. You’ll feel good showing yourself how effective you are.

Readers: What have you learned about growing through your work relationships? Please share your wisdom with us!

Create Your Ideal Life, Habit By Habit

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What would your ideal life look like?

More traveling? A great romantic relationship? Would you be healthy and fit? Would you simply be happy and content?

Our decisions and actions make up our lives, and rest on our habits.

We usually don’t think about our habits too much. Do yours bring you happiness? Do they create enjoyable relationships, activities, feelings, experiences? Or do they pull you down?

Thinking about our lives and decisions lets us figure out what we want. When we then base our actions on our goals, we have the chance to craft a life that provides a sense of well-being. We can create habits that move us towards joy.

We’ll look today at new small habits you can take up that will lead you towards greater happiness and health. But first, let’s talk about deciding what you want to take on.

Build the Foundation for Change

Grab some paper and a pen, or go to your keyboard, and start listing out some of the things that would make your life ideal. More good friends? Financial security? How about a beautiful home free from clutter?

Choose two or three top priorities. Now start thinking about some very small steps to take towards making these things realities in your life.

For example, let’s say that your goals include creating greater contentment and getting healthier. To achieve these things, you might want to start meditating regularly and add more vegetables to your diet.

What would be some manageable steps towards creating habits to get you there?

As we look at forming new habits, remember — since you want to succeed, don’t take on more than one or possibly two new changes at a time.

Meditate

Meditation is such a great practice with so many benefits. But it’s very hard to do it regularly — or is it?

A good way to start meditating is to sit and focus on your breathing for five minutes at a time. Do this five or six days a week for two months and you have yourself a new habit. Then, if you want, add another five minutes for the next few months, and so on until you level off at an amount of time that feels right.

When should you take your five minutes? Perhaps when you first arrive at work. Some people like to meditate during their lunch break, or while they’re having some tea in the afternoon. If you tie it to something you already do at a certain time of the day, you’re anchoring a new habit.

You can also tie your meditation to something like Facebook or Pinterest. While you’re spending your time with them every day, stop and take five minutes in the middle to follow your breath.

There’s an added benefit of making yourself aware of what you’re doing if you tend to spend more time than you really want on social media.

Eat More Vegetables

Most Americans eat far fewer than the recommended daily five to eight servings of vegetables. (Readers from other countries: do people in your culture eat more, and if so, what advice can you pass along to Americans?)

Does that sound like an unbearably huge amount of vegetables? One serving, though, is just half a cup of cooked vegetables or one cup of something raw like salad. So if you start by adding one serving a day and do that for a month, you’re already doing quite a bit better than you were.

Add another serving the next month. Before long you’re up to snuff.

It’s important to note that you aren’t trying to lose weight, at least at this point. You’re just trying to eat more vegetables. If you do, you’ll probably lose weight naturally. And for sure you’re adding a lot more vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, fiber and all that good stuff to your diet.

If you have an aversion to vegetables, you have to make them taste especially good or else you probably won’t stick with it. For a few months, then, add a generous splash of olive oil, a sauce, some mayonnaise. We’re not talking about going overboard, but add enough so that you really notice it.

If you want to move towards little or no fat with them, it’ll be easier to do this as you come to enjoy the taste of the vegetables themselves.

Enjoy Your New Habit

As you’re making changes, reflect often on how glad and proud you are. You’re doing well.

Notice how you feel physically and emotionally — it’s very reinforcing.

Creating a healthy habit can be easy. Do it very slowly, in small steps, and you’ll succeed.

Readers: What new habits have you created? What are you working on, and what’s one small step towards forming a habit?

4 Powerful Ways to Free Yourself From Procrastination

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All the hours I’ve ever spent procrastinating would probably add up to a year!

Are you nodding your head in agreement?

You may have read any number of useful articles on beating procrastination. Still, you find yourself putting things off. But you may be able to solve this problem by looking at a deeper level.

We often procrastinate because of anger, sadness or fear. If that’s the case, efforts to change won’t work until we listen to our feelings. So let’s look at some strategies for getting back on track that take emotions into account.

1. Get your angry feelings out in a letter.

Joe is (supposedly) looking for a new job. He sets aside a couple hours to spruce up his LinkedIn profile. But instead he plays around on Facebook.

His parents, it turns out, have been bugging him to get “a real job.” He resents how they’re pressuring him. On some level he’s fighting them by not doing what they want him to.

Joe can write his parents a letter. It doesn’t matter if he gives it to them or not. The point is for him to get his feelings out on paper.

Now he can decide if he really wants to take on a job search. If so, his motivation will come from within.

2. Create a ritual to help with sadness.

Kelly keeps meaning to go through her stuff in the basement and donate most of it. It never happens.

What she isn’t really aware of is how sad she feels about this task. Her mother died a year ago, and Kelly stored some of her things downstairs.

She’s half forgotten they’re down there. When the thought of them starts coming up, she stuffs it down without realizing it.

One day, though, all this dawns on her. So she thinks about what she can do to make it a little easier.

She then lights a candle in honor of her mother while she works in the basement. Something this simple can make a difference and enable her to stop putting it off.

There are all kinds of rituals you can use. Sing meaningful songs. Plant something beautiful in a special place. Write a short essay or poem about the person or event you feel sad about.

Let your creative heart guide you.

3. Tackle feelings of entitlement by creating consequences.

Nina generally avoids things she doesn’t want to deal with. The youngest kid in the family, she always charmed her way out of chores.

Now she always feels a bit put upon when faced with an unpleasant responsibility.

But she comes to the point where she’s ready to change. She decides to write a check to a charity she dislikes and puts it in a sealed envelope. She gives it to a friend who will mail it if Nina puts something important off.

Nina is now highly motivated to avoid procrastination!

4. Go inside your body to sort out confusing feelings

Kyle can tell something is bugging him, but he doesn’t know what. It’s not like him to kill time when he’s supposed to be writing a report for work.

So he closes his eyes and scans his body for tension. He notices that his stomach is tight. He asks himself what it’s trying to tell him

Kyle realizes he’s nervous about presenting the report later in the week. He doesn’t really understand the material. Now it occurs to him to do some research.

His energy returns and he works on the report all afternoon.

To Sum It All Up

Procrastination can become a signal to you that something’s wrong, that something needs your attention.

It won’t do you any good to get down on yourself for avoiding things. That’s missing the point when anger, sadness, anxiety or other feelings are underneath the surface.

When you find yourself putting things off, think about how your emotions might be involved. You’ll be able to take care of what’s bothering you. You’ll also start accomplishing things again.

When you get to the bottom of why you procrastinate, you’ll find freedom.

Meeting Anger With Mindfulness

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Your friend stood you up for lunch today. Again.

You’re hurt. Annoyed. A touch of resentment takes hold and pretty soon you have a whole mental list of things you don’t like about her.

She’s a dear friend, so you know you aren’t going to fire her. The two of you will need to talk. Unless, of course, you swallow your irritation and say “oh, that’s ok” (but continue to simmer). Or perhaps say some things you later wish you could take back.

Most of us don’t quite know what to do with anger. It’s unpleasant. We may never have seen people handle it well and don’t see a lot of good that comes from it.

Maybe you’re afraid of anger. When you were young, people around you may have lost control of it, exposing you to constant criticism, yelling, or even physical violence.

Equally damaging can be an environment where anger is seen as so threatening that no one is allowed to express it. It’s not nice to get angry, and we must always be nice, no matter what.

But anger is a part of living, and like it or not, it isn’t going away.

We might as well learn to deal with it.

When we know how to work with it, anger can even be valuable. There’s nothing wrong with it; it’s just information telling us that something is wrong, that something needs to change.

Meeting anger with mindfulness helps us develop insight. Let’s talk for a moment about how to go about this.

Some ideas for mindfully working with anger

So how do you get yourself in a mindful place when you’re mad?

The first thing to do, of course, is breathe. Take three minutes and focus on your breath as it enters and leaves your body.

You’re probably feeling an urge to think and think about what’s happened. Instead, interrupt that process by focusing on your breathing. Don’t try to stop being angry. Just acknowledge your feelings and shift your awareness to the breath.

You’ll keep feeling angry for a few minutes — you might feel hot, your heart might be racing. That’s not a problem. Just keep returning to the breath. Label what’s going on: “Thinking. Feeling. Angry thoughts. Hot face.”

After a few minutes you may start to feel some sadness. Just label it: “Sadness. Heavy chest. Tears.”

At this point, let it go for now. I’m not asking you to bury your feelings, though. You’re just putting them aside for a bit, planning to come back to them with a clear mind.

So what now? Mindfully engage in some other activity. When angry thoughts and feelings keep coming back, which they will, acknowledge them: “Thinking. Feeling. Anger. Hurt.” Then get back to what you were doing.

Results of working mindfully with anger

This mindful approach frees your unconscious mind to work with your feelings. Later you may find that an intuition about the situation pops into your mind.

You might realize, for example, that you’re more hurt than angry. This intuition can come to the surface because you’ve done your mindfulness work. You didn’t obsess over the situation, so your mind was free to bring out this insight.

Now you can decide what to do. Now you’re ready to do some thinking about the situation, about how to handle it.

You might decide to talk to the person you got upset with. This could be a huge step for you if you usually puts a lid on feelings. If you’re someone who tends to get snippy, you can prepare yourself to speak assertively instead.

Or you may decide to let it go, that you’ve already resolved your feelings as much as you need to.

In closing:

Handling strong feelings like anger can be tricky.

There’s nothing to be gained by either stuffing anger or getting hostile. But a non-judgmental acceptance of anger allows us to use it on behalf of ourselves and of our relationships.

Even if we fear anger or have misused it in the past, we can make peace with it. We can allow it to just be a part of our lives. We can even let it help us.

Try these simple steps for working with anger the next time the need arises.

And please share in the comments about how you deal with anger.

The Secret to Personal Growth

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Yesterday, warmth and bright sunshine.

Today, cold and rain.

“I like this! I don’t like that!”

Everything coming and going.

Take what comes and don’t run after what goes.

–Haju Sunim

My friend, Suzanne, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago. She usually does quite well, but it’s been a real challenge for her lately.

About three months ago, she started having insomnia and getting irritable, her warning signs that she’s getting sick. Over the past two months her mood swings have settled into depression. This is not about some life problem — it’s biochemical, part of her illness.

Suzanne has enough energy to work part time and come home and read the rest of the day. That’s it.

She’s lucky to have a great psychiatrist who’s working closely with her to get her medication right. But until her brain chemistry straightens out, she could remain depressed for quite some time. She just needs to wait.

So how’s she holding up with all this? “I was pretty angry for quite a while, especially since it’s been dragging on for so long. I was like, ‘this is horrible — I was doing so well.’

“But here in the past couple weeks I’ve had a shift. I realized that this is hard, but it’s just hard. It’s not horrible. It’s just hard.

“Thank God I don’t have the more severe form of bipolar. I know this will pass at some point. Until then, I’m making it through. My partner is wonderful. My friends are wonderful.

“I know I’ll be stronger on the other side of this.

“This new perspective doesn’t magically make everything better. I’m not happy about it. But I’m ok. A couple weeks ago I was not ok. Now I am.”

The Secret to Personal Growth

What is the secret to personal growth? Acceptance. Take what comes. Don’t run after what goes.

Accepting all experience, even the unpleasant parts — that’s mindfulness. What is there to see, to learn? Are there perhaps some gifts here?

If Suzanne fights her situation, she’ll have two problems — her emotional pain and also the suffering caused by resisting.

But Suzanne gets it that her illness and this current rough patch are opportunities for her growth. When she sees it that way, depression is not a bad thing.

Embracing Difficulties and Using Them to Grow

So how do we accept difficult circumstances and actually embrace them?

1. Develop a Growth Mindset

Learning to grow through difficult times starts well before the troubles hit. And emotional growth is far more valuable than being comfortable and avoiding pain. If your goal is to deepen your wisdom and empathy for others, you’ll know that difficulties are a good thing.

Start today to reflect on how precious your growth is to you. Think about how helpful hard times can be. We don’t need to feel victimized by painful experiences.

2. Create Friendships With Like-Minded People

We need support to make it through tough times. If you surround yourself with people who also value growth above an easy path, they’ll remind you that there are real benefits to struggle.

This is not to say that you should bottle up your negative feelings. A certain amount of venting is vital to keep you from feeling terrible. Just make sure you don’t dwell in a sad or angry place for too long.

3. Practice the Loving-Kindness Meditation

Do you want to develop compassion for yourself and shore up your strength? Repeat these intentions a few times a day. It will help when you’re in a difficult situation and make you feel greater love for yourself when times are easier.

May I be filled with loving-kindness.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be free from anger and anxiety.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

To Sum Up

You’re no doubt facing some kind of difficulty in your life right now.

You’re a strong person, even if you don’t feel it. Let this time show you your inner resources of wisdom, peace and balance. We all have these qualities — we just need to realize they’re there.

Try to see this as an opportunity to become a richer person, a more compassionate person.

Would a support group help? If you can’t find that group where you live, find an online community of people facing the kind of problem you are.

Work with the Loving-Kindness Meditation and see what it teaches you about yourself.

Let this process show you what you need to learn.

What have you learned from your difficulties? Please share in the comments.

Three Steps to a More Joyful Life

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1. Ask: Am I Sure This Is Really True?

One day I was rubbing my cat’s belly when I found a lump.

I knew it had to be cancer. I knew he would die soon.

Should I even have surgery for him, since he’s an older cat? Do cats get chemo? Would all his hair fall out? If I didn’t get another cat after I lost him, would his brother be lonely? But if I did, would they fight?

When I took him to the vet, she felt around the around the area and said, “Umm…it’s his nipple.”

We are constantly creating stories. We can’t help it. Stories about ourselves, other people, things that happen to us, how our lives should be.

I’m working on seeing it when I’m caught up in a story. It’s slow going. But the more I remember to practice mindfulness in my daily life, the sooner I realize what I’m doing.

2. Focus: Dwell On Positives

I used to work in an inner city social services agency. It could have been a burn-out job. It wasn’t, though, because most of us wanted to be there. We laughed a lot.

Our clients were poor and mentally ill, an especially bad combination. It could be unpleasant working with such troubled people, like the time when a woman spit in my face.

In agencies like ours, the staff unfortunately often talk down to the people who come for services and complain about them. But our clinic’s culture of speaking respectfully to and about the clients no doubt kept our morale up.

But our employee union, on the other hand…. As a good left-leaning social worker, I started out being very enthusiastic about it. But we spent the meetings running down the administration, dedicated people that most of us actually liked.

The union meetings were boring and we never accomplished anything. I quit going.

3. Notice: Our Teachers Are Everywhere

When I worked at the agency, I had this one client who drove me crazy.

Every week when we met, she talked a mile a minute the whole time. I couldn’t get a word in to share my wisdom with her. If I tried, she’d interrupt or talk over me.

She spoke in detail about what she did all day. Believe me, she didn’t do interesting things.

It was hard to follow what she was saying because of all those words.

When she talked about how much she looked forward to our meetings, I felt guilty because I dreaded them.

I felt guilty because I disliked her so much.

I would plot about ways to get rid of her. Could I transfer her case to someone else? No. Could I just stop seeing her? No. Could I duct tape her mouth shut? Unfortunately not.

One day it occurred to me that maybe I would start to view her as my teacher. Since I felt such an extreme reaction to her, I could tell that she must be touching on some issues of mine that I wasn’t aware of.

Issues that I apparently needed her help to resolve.

So when we would meet I would sit there telling myself, “She is my teacher. She is my teacher.”

Not immediately, but before too long I started getting a kick out of her.

Since I was now paying more attention to what she was saying, I began to respect how generous she was. She adopted stray cats. She cooked for her neighbors.

She was very knowledgeable about her mental illness. I learned far more about it from her than I did at school.

After a while she moved on when she no longer needed our visits.

I’d like to say that I was sorry to see her go, but I was mostly just relieved. But I learned a lot from her. I learned that I could write people off without realizing it. That I wasn’t as compassionate as I liked to think.

But also that I have the ability to change.

Readers: What are some of the positives in your life you’d like to focus on? Who or what are some of your teachers?

Practices For Bringing Mindfulness Into Everyday Life

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More joy. More creativity. Wisdom. Emotional balance.

You’ll notice these things when you start bringing small mindfulness practices into your day.

Mindful actions and short meditations of one or two minutes can change your life. When I do these things a few times a day, I feel the difference.

It’s easier to greet challenges with peace. I feel more alive.

See what happens when you try out a couple of the practices below. Do them in the morning, around lunch time, in the evening. Anytime.

Try them out for a few days. See what you notice.

Make them a habit and you’ll remember to use them when you feel stressed. You’ll feel more solid. You’ll feel like you have more resources.

Of course, those resources have been there all along. You’re just seeing them now because you’re increasing your awareness of what happens inside you.

These practices will help you enjoy your day more. You’ll get more pleasure out of things you don’t normally pay that much attention to.

Start Your Day With Awareness

Before you get out of bed, bring your attention to your breath.

You don’t need to try to breathe deeply. Just find a place where you feel your breath coming into and leaving your body. This might be your chest, your belly or your nostrils.

Breathe naturally and notice what it feels like. Do this ten times.

Your mind will probably drift, perhaps to stories about the day ahead. When it does, gently return to your breath. No judgments.

A Mindful Lunch

If you normally work while you’re eating lunch, this one is especially good. It will only take two minutes.

Take a bite of food and let it sit in your mouth a moment. Don’t chew yet.

Notice: Is the food soft? Hard? Is your saliva starting up? What’s that like?

Notice: Sweet. Tangy. Neutral.

Dry. Wet.

Cold. Hot. Warm. Room temperature.

Now chew slowly, or move the food around your mouth if it’s something like yogurt. Notice how the texture feels.

Notice how the flavor fades as you chew.

What are you thinking? “I like this food. I don’t like it. I don’t have time to be doing this. This has flavors I’ve never noticed.”

Restroom Meditation

You’re at work and you’re crabby as all get out. You wish everyone would just leave your shared open office so you could be by yourself. But that’s not going to happen.

-Or-

You’re at a restaurant with some people you don’t know that well. You feel awkward and have a little headache.

It’s time for some Restroom Meditation.

Whenever you need to ground yourself and you’re in a public place, the restroom is always available. You only need a couple of minutes to breathe before you start feeling better.

When you go into the stall and close the door, feel your gratitude for this moment of privacy. You might want to repeat a short affirmation such as this:

Breathing in, I am aware of this small space.

Breathing out, I remember that my heart is as vast as the sky.

Breathing in, I am thankful for plumbing, water and soap.

Breathing out, I know that each moment is a new beginning.

Driving the Car

Boredom, a neutral feeling, irritation, anxiety, light-heartedness, impatience can all arise and fade away in one trip to the supermarket.

What’s it like for you to wait at a stoplight? If I’m not stressed because I’m running behind, I’m often lost in thought. Sometimes I’m present, looking at the other cars, looking at drivers.

The next time you’re at a stoplight, pay attention to your breathing as you’re sitting there.

When I remember to do this, I usually find that my thoughts are going all over the place. But it still gets me driving more gently. I don’t get so annoyed with other drivers.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

This is a very short meditation on your intention that you and others be filled with a sense of well-being.

It starts with saying the following phrases to yourself silently or aloud:

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be free from anger and anxiety.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

From there we move onto a second set of intentions:

May (name of some person) be filled with loving kindness.

May (he or she) be well in body and mind.

May (he or she) be free from anger and anxiety.

May (he or she) be peaceful and at ease.

Say these lines maybe three or four times.

In my work as a life coach and therapist, I often give this meditation to my clients. They’re generally surprised to see how quickly it eases their feelings about themselves and other people.

I do better work if I repeat it a few times before I meet with someone.

Use this meditation when you’re feeling challenged by your relationship with somebody else.

Use it if you’re challenged by your relationship with yourself.

Readers, please tell us about how you bring mindfulness into your day. And, if you try one of these practices, I’d love to hear about how it goes for you.

“I Don’t Know What Kind of a Job I Want!”

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The ideas in this article can speak to anyone with a dream. Please read it even if you’re happy in your work.

“I have got to do something else!” Adrienne told me. “I can’t stand my job. And it’s never going anywhere.

“But I have no idea what I’d like to do!”

Is that really true?

Adrienne makes paper and is very good at it. I wasn’t the least bit surprised that she could describe in detail the fine paper store she wanted to open.

She already had a name for it. There was probably a market in her community for something like this.

A store in Chicago inspired her. Talking about their papers and cards and accessories made her come alive.

“The store in Chicago teaches a lot of classes,” she said. “They sound fascinating. Book-binding, making cards, making journals, things like that. Making different kinds of paper.

“But I could never do that!!”

When I asked her why not, she told me:

“I couldn’t run a store.”

“I couldn’t make any money at it.”

“My family would think I’m crazy.”

And then finally:

“Nobody ever told me that I can do what I want.”

Bingo.

Do you want to get into a different field, or get a new job, but aren’t sure what it would be? Chances are that on some level you have a pretty good idea.

You absolutely get to do what you want in life. Your desires are reliable guides.

Let’s look at why Adrienne felt she couldn’t do what she wanted. You and she probably share some common fears. Let’s see if her self-doubts are true.

“I couldn’t run a store.”

It’s true that at this point Adrienne doesn’t have experience running a store. But she’s a smart woman. She could find the information and mentoring she needs at her local community college and business networking groups.

Is she really asking if she wants to invest the time and energy needed to bring this idea into being?

If she takes on this project, Adrienne will have to work very hard. She’ll have to learn new skills.

But her dream may be so worth it to her that she doesn’t mind the long hours and the challenges ahead.

She doesn’t have to tell herself “I can’t do this.” What she really needs is to take herself seriously. That’s the only way she’ll be able to ask herself if she wants this.

If she does, she can open this store.

“I couldn’t make any money at it.”

Money would probably be tight for a while.

And, when we’re doing something we love, we often find we can be happy on a smaller income.

There are so many things we have that we don’t really need. If my work is nourishing me, will I miss cable? Can I eat out less?

If I were happier in my work, would I shop less?

Do my kids need all the stuff I buy them? Would they be richer with a parent who’s less drained by the job?

Adrienne could decide to remove the excess from her life to follow her work dreams. This might make the difference between opening her store and staying with a job she hates.

“My family would think I’m crazy.”

So what?

Is Adrienne really asking if she has good judgment? If she’s smart enough to make her new path work?

Do you wonder these things about yourself?

I can tell you right now: you have more on the ball than you think you do.

Most people underestimate themselves.

Good judgement involves finding the people that support you. Ask them what they think.

Definitely find people doing the kind of work you’re interested in doing. Ask them how they got into it. Get their perspectives on what it takes to succeed. Find out if there are jobs in this field.

I don’t think you’d be considering this work if you really didn’t have what it takes.

To sum up –

I think you should seriously look into the work you’d like to do.

Write down why you think you can’t go for it. Then read between the lines to find out what your real fears are.

Talk to people who support your strengths and will give you thoughtful feedback. Don’t talk to people who tear down your dreams.

Take the risk.

And remember that you have permission to do this.

How To Turn Discouragement Into Hope

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Photograph suggesting hope by pol sifter

hope, a photo by pol sifter on Flickr.

Imagine that you’re sitting at your desk at work. Sighing.

You’re bored. Stressed.

There’s already too much work for an eight (or nine)-hour day, and your boss just gave you something else.

You’d love a different job. But you don’t see how to get there.

Or maybe you can’t figure out how to stop all the tension with someone very important to you.

Perhaps it’s been forever since you were in a romantic relationship. You have no idea how to meet someone.

Or you may be trying without success to lose weight or quit buying so much stuff.

Chances are your biggest problem, though, is that you don’t know how to regain hope when you’re discouraged.

It’s hard to feel optimistic when you’re trying hard to change something and nothing seems to work.

But it’s very possible to build up your confidence that things can be different. You just need to learn some strategies. Here are two things that can help:

–Write About What You’ve Accomplished

It may not feel like it, but many times in your life you’ve figured out how to solve problems that seemed impossible to overcome.

Maybe you quit smoking after trying and failing over and over. Maybe you reached out to someone despite being shy.

Perhaps you worked hard in a difficult subject in school and learned some valuable things. You may have fixed something in your home that bewildered you at first.

Write about these things. Take a good amount of time, at least 15 minutes, longer if possible.

Write about times when you’ve stayed with something difficult. Times when you didn’t stop trying even though you felt almost hopeless. Times when you were clear that giving up was just not an option.

You may take these accomplishments for granted at this point in your life, forgetting how frustrated you were at the time.

Try to remember now how hard it was. Remember how you would get discouraged but then just get back up again.

And go into detail. Think about the footwork you went through. The new habits you had to nourish. The people who believed in you.

There’s something about putting things down on paper that makes them more real. I don’t know why it works, but it does.

See if you don’t start feeling strong and empowered as you reflect on your achievements.

–Get Your Support Team In Place

We’re social creatures. We’re not wired for solving our problems all by ourselves.

When we’re stuck we need creative insights. Such ideas flourish when more than one person works on a project.

For the past five years I’ve been meeting monthly with three friends to discuss our goals. This group has helped me many, many times when I’ve struggled with discouragement.

We meet for an hour and a half and divide up the time between ourselves. Our main focus in this particular group is building up our careers. We also talk sometimes about more personal concerns that we need feedback on.

Your group can choose to focus on whatever you decide. Personal goals. Creating new habits. Improving relationships. Moving into a new career. You name it.

My support team gives me a place to put my goals into words. When I get bogged down, my friends give me perspectives that I can’t see by myself.

When it’s my turn, we talk about possible solutions for the things that challenge me. I make a plan to try our ideas out. And when we meet the following month, I’m able to tell them about how it’s going.

I’ve learned now that I’ll see new solutions after talking with them.

And when I achieve something, I can share it with people who’ve helped me bring it about.

This kind of group only works if you can trust the people involved. We’ve been thoughtful about who we’ve invited into the group. That way we’ve prevented problems with someone taking too much time or getting sidetracked with a negative focus.

I also get the wonderful benefit of being able give others a hand. It empowers me to see that my contributions are useful. How can I be hopeless when I’m smart enough to help another person solve their problem?

–To Wrap Up

Getting stuck and discouraged is a normal part of life. The good news is that your fears aren’t a reality.

Even when it feels like you’re out of things to try, there are ways to solve your problems.

From the time you learned to walk and talk you’ve been overcoming challenges.

Your mind is incredible. You are incredible.

Remember that any time things look dark, your pen and paper are there to help. Think and write about all the times you’ve had no idea what to do but then solved your problem.

You did it before. You will do it again.

And also remember that you aren’t alone. You don’t have to try to do it all yourself.

Find people to work with. Get into a goal-setting, discouragement-busting group. Talk to a friend. Find a mentor.

You’ll see that answers exist that you never could have thought of alone.

And please comment: how do you deal with frustration? Share your wisdom and experience with the group of people who’ve read this article.